Do you believe in the ‘bhikhari’ kind of love? Expectations from the other makes you a pauper.

Begging for love, care, attention, ring or respect?

Well, don’t feel bad about it, I never talk about anything that 

I haven’t ever done it myself. We are bros suffering from similar foes! I have treaded this path of ‘seeking’ for many years which robs you of everything you have. But I was lucky enough to fall into the right path. Eventually. I spent many precious years in Vipassana trying to get an answer, ‘What we are seeking, is it really seeking us?”

After many heartbreaks over expectations (not just in love but with friends, loved ones, near and dear ones), I came to the following crux.

We are seeking outside, what we carry within. We keep diminishing our self-respect, value, and self-worth by asking the other to give us what we should be giving ourselves. What I know of love is that when we are in love, everything is given away freely. But how to get in that state of love, when everything comes to us on its own.

Is it even possible?

We are capable beings, we can manifest anything we want when we start balancing our inner masculine and inner feminine. We can create magic in our lives. Love Vipassana is a state of complete union within us. You can read about my experiences here www.lovevipassana.com

In fact, once we start our inner work, we would understand these precious words of Rumi. “The wonders we seek outside, we carry within.” – Rumi

Let’s talk about the lists which we carry around in our heads, which are what we seek in 

our partner. 

“I want someone who will be the most amazing person and will change my life.”

“I want someone who will be my best friend for life.”

“I want someone who will always be my well-wisher and cheerleader.”

“I want someone to protect me from the evils of the world.”

“I want someone who will accept me the way I am.”

“I want someone who will make me a better person each passing day.”

“I want someone who will be loving towards me, my family and my mother.”

“I want someone who will understand me.”

“I want someone who will support me through thick and thin.”

“I want someone who will appreciate my beauty and my talents.”

“I want someone who will appreciate my presence.”

“I want someone who will give me love, care and attention.”

“I want someone who will make me feel secure.”

“I want someone who will give me financial security.”

“I want someone who will give me emotional security.”

“I want someone who will make me feel peaceful and free me of my anxiety.”

“I want someone who will fill this vacuum in my life, this loneliness.”

“I want someone who will make me laugh and dry my tears.”

“I want someone I can travel the world with.”

“I want someone who will turn my boring life into something interesting.”

What’s your list like? God made us unique and wonderful, and here we are hunting for someone unique and wonderful to come into our life and give us what is supposed to be within us only. Which only we can give us. Which only we can give us. We are hunting outside, what we should be hunting within. So, what we actually do is, take the power given to us by the creator and give it to another. We go on a prowl for the perfect man or woman expecting them to give us what is already within us. We are too unconscious and lazy to awaken that within us only. All the things we are seeking outside (the list mentioned above and the list you have), have we ever thought of giving us ever. If not, why would anyone else consider us giving all that. If we don’t consider ourselves worthy enough, why would anyone else consider us worthy. Why?

So, when we go against the creator, and follow some lists of ours or of the society, what do we create – A messy marriage. A live show of hell on earth. 

Nowhere I’m denying the sanctity and role of marriage in our lives, I’m just asking us to reflect on the intention of getting married these days. Is it to receive from the other? Is it to give the other? Or is it totally altruistic, without expectation of giving or receiving, just for existence, just to enjoy the existence of another as he/she is? 

Now let’s try replacing the responsibility from our list mentioned above from the other to our own self.

“I am the most amazing person and I can change my life.”

“I accept myself the way I am.”

“I am a better person with each passing day.”

“I am so loving to me, loving to my family, loving to my mother.”

“I lighten up after I return home from a mad day at work.”

“I understand me.”

“I am supporting myself through thick and thin.”

“I am appreciative of my beauty and my talents.”

“I am appreciative of my presence.”

“I am giving me love, care and attention.”

“It gives me financial security.”

“It gives me emotional security.”

“I am peaceful and free from my anxiety.”

“I am filling this vacuum in my life, turning this loneliness into a blessing.”

“I am someone who makes me laugh and dries my tears.”

We are mirrors. We attract what we are. So if we are taking care of our list, by the law we will attract someone who will do the same. So many of us have been propagating ‘Self Love’, we haven’t lost it. We just have found the key and are willing to share it out of pure compassion.

The reason for love or marriage cannot be to fulfil this list or any other needs. There must and should be just reason for marriage or love, and that is to enjoy the existence of others as he is. Complete acceptance and complete surrender. If there are conditions it is not love, it is a business deal. Any planning leads us to hell. It’s a natural process which happens from a state of ‘no mind.’ Where no pros and cons exist. Where we don’t judge the pluses and minuses of having that person in our life. Where we just surrender in complete devotion. Where we are already one at some plane. Where his benefit is your benefit too. 

If you don’t feel like that for the one you are getting married to, please don’t marry yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against marriage and no one to judge the right and wrong reason for marriage. I’m just saying there should be no reason to get married, it should happen from the state of no mind. A state where you already are complete by meeting our own needs and not seeking from the other. Where you take full responsibility for yourself. Where you are in complete self-love.

I’m just here to trigger you into that marriage within. That union within. That completeness within. The state of Love Vipassana. Which takes us to the union of inner masculine and feminine within. So that we experience the beauty of true love. 

Read more on Shoneeka’s work on www.shoneeka.com

Shoneeka is a trained psychologist and chakra healer and runs a production house called Zikr Productions through which she creates #storiesforchange for brands.